Monday, 30 March 2015


Here is the first entry of my written log. My adventures in the black of space have already been numerous, however now is not the time for dwelling on the distant past. I have some video logs in production of my exploits as a freelancer since leaving Sol and corporate employ, but as it stands I feel compelled to begin a companion written log where video is less suitable. In brief, my time alone in space has been fruitful and... educational to say the least.

Recent events in Lugh fighting for the Federation have given me a new perspective to consider. Prior to my involvement in the war, I had considered myself a Federation man. Not 100% on board with all policies - but generally my allegiance was solid and without question. Everything changed this week, as the president in her... incompetence, allowed innocent civilians to die. Inaccurate intel resulted in the destruction of a convoy of refugees instead of the Crimson State Group's leader and most trusted lieutenants.

Upon hearing the news I retracted my hardpoints and left the system; I needed time to think. I owe my life to the Federation, but now I'm considering the possibility that my allegiance has been misplaced. Perhaps I owe my life to the individuals who helped me, rather than the Federation itself. This is a story for another time, but to underline my thoughts: I question my actions in Lugh. 

As a freelancer, I reserve the right to find employ wherever the money is appropriate and so the recent announcement from The Alliance of a colonisation programme has compelled me to take some time alone in the blackness of space and appreciate the unknown. My combat bonds from Lugh should allow for the purchase of an Asp Explorer, and so I shall begin my journey to find brief solace amongst the stars soon. Perhaps then I will be able to find a level head, and decide on which course to plot next.

My Viper has performed beautifully and has been reliable in combat. Difficult battles have resulted in me successfully fleeing by the skin of my teeth, but I put this down to my ship (and a little bit of luck). As I have yet to name any of my ships, I felt that it was appropriate to name my vessels as per their exploits and achievements. It feels more meaningful that my vessels, or rather temporary homes, have earned their names by proving themselves. I hear-by name my Viper as Fortune. Unfortunately my time in the war has made me realise that the viper's usefulness has begun to wane. Combat with superior vessels such as the Vulture is no longer feasible without support from a wing. I wont be retiring Fortune but I will need to consider purchasing a more appropriate ship for war in the future.

As a final thought: here is an interesting CMDR I met in my travels... If I meet more... creatively named individuals I will most likely post them here.

Thank you for reading CMDRs. For now, farewell. See you in the unknown.


Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Sh*tstarter (Quite Literally) - Bathroom Simulator


*Deleted the video because it's autoplay was going off when I was editing my template CONSTANTLY and multiple times layering over itself - go watch it at their kickstarter instead. Or not, because... well it's awful.*
"Have you ever wanted to pick up your poop and throw it at the wall?"
"Oh, well, we have. Quite a few times actually."
You must be bored.
"Come to think of it, I think we've thought of doing that a lot more than we should have.... Anyways, Bathroom Simulator is the game where you can do that."

This pretty much sums up the limited vision of today's Kickstarter project. I'm not going to sugar coat the pill in this scenario; I don't need to play this to know that it's simply... pure crap. From what I can see, the aim of the game is to complete pointless challenges requiring you to balance your poop on objects around a small bathroom. This is actually based on the Half-Life fan-fiction which delves into the secret toilet habits of Gordon Freeman. Sadly this isn't the case, but christ it would've been better if it was.

In the same vein as physics-based games such as OctodadGoat Simulator and I am BreadBathroom Simulator attempts to cast off the shackles of modern game design and instead put emphasis on the manipulation of the core mechanics in order to achieve a purist level of interactivity. Except that it fails... fails a lot. I could be fair by stating that this is an early first impression of an unfinished product... but, nah. Sometimes you just know a bad egg when you see one... and smell one (poop/fart joke).

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy an immature fart joke every now and again and I don't think game design creativity should be confined within the face-painted, and glitter-coated boundaries of a PEGI 3 rating - but Bathroom Simulator isn't big or clever. It's not even necessarily a disgusting looking game as you'll note whilst watching the video. The faeces resembles little more than an extremely flexible and bouncy brown dildo and the concept is beyond puerile and therefore limited in it's comedic scope. I am Bread's concept wasn't funny, weird - yes, but not funny. What's funny about putting bread in a toaster? It's not the concept but instead the finely tuned mechanics and physics engine that spawns the hilarity.

Oh sorry, were you wondering why I hadn't really mentioned anything about the game content itself? That's because the quotes at the beginning of this article pretty much sum it up and to be honest you'll get more out of watching the video yourself. Even ignoring the puerile nature of this game, boiling it down to it's core: you have to wonder how many hours of gameplay will there actually be? Balance poop on the shower. Check. Put poop in the sink. Check (achievement unlocked). Do another poop. Check. The possibilities are endless (sarcasm - the possibilities will indeed end). This next headline from the Kickstarter guesses (correctly) what you're probably thinking:

This game exists purely as YouTube fodder, which in principle isn't something I'm against at all. I've enjoyed many videos of my favourite internet personalities awkwardly stumbling through Octodad or yelling profanities as they launch their slice of bread from the kitchen surface in I am Bread, but these examples had a sense of accomplishment. Attempting to put a basket over the head of an NPC in Skyrim is probably more engaging than the experience Bathroom Simulator hopes to offer.

The funding goal is $800 which is mainly for sound effects and music apparently along with 'finishing the other bathrooms' which is as vague a breakdown as most campaigns I suppose. Here are my thoughts on the stretch goals:

-$2,000: The graphics are the least of your shitty problems, in fact your okay graphics are all you've got going for you at the minute... although a better poop texture wouldn't go amiss.
-$3,000: Pewdiepie isn't playing your stupid game on his Oculus mate.
-$5,000: I'm sorry, but there's no way you're getting this on console. Nope.

This has been one of my more tactless first impressions of a Kickstarter project. I'm not offering any constructive criticism or useable feedback today. I'd rather fund a Flappy Bird clone. -oP

Bathroom Simulator on Kickstarter