Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Sh*tstarter (Quite Literally) - Bathroom Simulator


*Deleted the video because it's autoplay was going off when I was editing my template CONSTANTLY and multiple times layering over itself - go watch it at their kickstarter instead. Or not, because... well it's awful.*
"Have you ever wanted to pick up your poop and throw it at the wall?"
"Oh, well, we have. Quite a few times actually."
You must be bored.
"Come to think of it, I think we've thought of doing that a lot more than we should have.... Anyways, Bathroom Simulator is the game where you can do that."

This pretty much sums up the limited vision of today's Kickstarter project. I'm not going to sugar coat the pill in this scenario; I don't need to play this to know that it's simply... pure crap. From what I can see, the aim of the game is to complete pointless challenges requiring you to balance your poop on objects around a small bathroom. This is actually based on the Half-Life fan-fiction which delves into the secret toilet habits of Gordon Freeman. Sadly this isn't the case, but christ it would've been better if it was.

In the same vein as physics-based games such as OctodadGoat Simulator and I am BreadBathroom Simulator attempts to cast off the shackles of modern game design and instead put emphasis on the manipulation of the core mechanics in order to achieve a purist level of interactivity. Except that it fails... fails a lot. I could be fair by stating that this is an early first impression of an unfinished product... but, nah. Sometimes you just know a bad egg when you see one... and smell one (poop/fart joke).

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy an immature fart joke every now and again and I don't think game design creativity should be confined within the face-painted, and glitter-coated boundaries of a PEGI 3 rating - but Bathroom Simulator isn't big or clever. It's not even necessarily a disgusting looking game as you'll note whilst watching the video. The faeces resembles little more than an extremely flexible and bouncy brown dildo and the concept is beyond puerile and therefore limited in it's comedic scope. I am Bread's concept wasn't funny, weird - yes, but not funny. What's funny about putting bread in a toaster? It's not the concept but instead the finely tuned mechanics and physics engine that spawns the hilarity.

Oh sorry, were you wondering why I hadn't really mentioned anything about the game content itself? That's because the quotes at the beginning of this article pretty much sum it up and to be honest you'll get more out of watching the video yourself. Even ignoring the puerile nature of this game, boiling it down to it's core: you have to wonder how many hours of gameplay will there actually be? Balance poop on the shower. Check. Put poop in the sink. Check (achievement unlocked). Do another poop. Check. The possibilities are endless (sarcasm - the possibilities will indeed end). This next headline from the Kickstarter guesses (correctly) what you're probably thinking:

This game exists purely as YouTube fodder, which in principle isn't something I'm against at all. I've enjoyed many videos of my favourite internet personalities awkwardly stumbling through Octodad or yelling profanities as they launch their slice of bread from the kitchen surface in I am Bread, but these examples had a sense of accomplishment. Attempting to put a basket over the head of an NPC in Skyrim is probably more engaging than the experience Bathroom Simulator hopes to offer.

The funding goal is $800 which is mainly for sound effects and music apparently along with 'finishing the other bathrooms' which is as vague a breakdown as most campaigns I suppose. Here are my thoughts on the stretch goals:

-$2,000: The graphics are the least of your shitty problems, in fact your okay graphics are all you've got going for you at the minute... although a better poop texture wouldn't go amiss.
-$3,000: Pewdiepie isn't playing your stupid game on his Oculus mate.
-$5,000: I'm sorry, but there's no way you're getting this on console. Nope.

This has been one of my more tactless first impressions of a Kickstarter project. I'm not offering any constructive criticism or useable feedback today. I'd rather fund a Flappy Bird clone. -oP

Bathroom Simulator on Kickstarter


  1. Seriously, why would someone make this?

    1. cos they couldn't think of anything else

  2. Replies
    1. not the word I would've (or have already) used lol